10) The Gym
You’ve heard the jokes—on January 1st the gym is a mosh pit full of taking up space, but by January 2nd they’ve evaporated faster than “All Lives Matter” folks when it comes to Black issues. You promised your doctor, you promised your friends, you even promised your pastor. Unfortunately, all those promises fail in comparison to the satisfaction of hitting that snooze button for the 8th time.
9) No More Drinking
Just 35 seconds into the New Year, and you’re already telling yourself the biggest lie of the decade. Yes, you overextended your limits by having a “shots “contest with a stranger on NYE, but the only thing that proves is that you are no longer able to party like you’re in your 20s. Now hangovers seem to last for days at a time.
8) No More Dealing with Your EX
Not sure how you even said this with a straight face. But since no one ever seems to have that stack of Bibles with them you claim to swear on, go ahead and lie anyway. This resolution will last until one of your completely single friends tells you another horrible dating tale. Then suddenly that regular 12:28 am “WYD” text is gonna seem way more appealing.
7) Dumb Spending
Critical: Money management. Also critical: The motorized toothbrush that plays your favorite trap record you saw on an infomercial.
6) New Year, New Me
For the past three years, we’ve all had to bear witness to your annual posting of the cartoon figure who walks over the steps of past year(s), symbolizing that you are no longer carrying past baggage. But just like the drawing itself, you remain the same—the one who is late for everything, pays less than owed when it’s time to split the check, and continues to tweet out spoilers with no warning.
5) Eat Healthier
This resolution was broken the moment you declared yourself vegan on January 1. Now the beads of sweat are popping around your forehead because that two-piece lettuce-and-tomato sandwich doesn’t slap as hard as the buffalo wings with special sauce your BFF is devouring right in front of you.
4) Travel More
Instead of seeing the Great Wall Of China, you’ll probably take that three-hour drive for the 88th time to the Taste Fest. By year’s end, you will likely consider this goal accomplished.
3) No More Social Media
It is entirely okay to take a break for your mental health by disconnecting from the Matrix. However, what is not suitable for your mental health is the annoying AF down periods at the office, the stranger with bad breath who won’t stop talking next to you on the bus, and the missed opportunities to hate on your Ex (who has gained weight since you two broke up, btw).
2) Read More
Somehow those novels you were holding with pride on IG stories became great coasters for your wine glass, plus they helped elevate the bed a couple of inches.
1) No More Dealing with Fake People
Um…not sure how this can happen, considering the fakest person you know is yourself. From the “smile and wave” way you greet your coworker then talk behind their back about their misspelled emails, to the endless humblebragging couple pics and posts that serve as a blatant attempt to cover the fact that you both are cheating.
One should always have the desire and drive to better themselves with the comprehension that the most important lessons often come from failure. The ability to recover from a failure to improve each time is a recipe for growth. A resolution made with absolution without the understanding of trial and error is doomed before it can start. So yes, 2020 can be a new you only if it keeps the shameless wisdom of the old you.