‘Tis the season for bad behavior, uninvited relatives, different forms of mac & cheese, and of course, awkward AF too-personal questions.
The holiday season is a time for joy, food, and rude insinuating questions/comments that overlook your feelings like Thanksgiving after Halloween. But fear not, because before anxiety runs your mind wild with worry, here is a standard guide that is sure to protect you from nosy aunties, a-hole siblings, and that one guest that is sure to take home too much cake.
Seating:
Be sure not to sit next to or directly within eyesight across from that relative who, after a few shots of their favorite sauce, is sure to make the first table conversation subject about alleged your shortcomings. The last thing you need is your current temporary unemployment status to be a topic before the bread gets passed.
Answer a question with a question:
You know your family better than anyone, so do not feel any shame putting their business in the air as quick they try to do with yours.
Ex:
Them: Whatever happened to that one you were really in love with?!!
You: Whatever happened to that one son of yours that was really in prison?!!
And for that non-related guest who was maybe feeling too bold, make sure you get a quick scope of their outward appearance while the silverware gets placed.
Ex:
Them: So why don’t you have any kids in your life?!!
You: So why don’t you have any teeth that are white?!!
Tag partner:
High chance you will not be the only target, so search for that one cousin or friend to bond with before the grandma house showdown. This seasonal soulmate is best for side chatter and having that special set of skills to switch the convo into another offbeat random subject abruptly.
Ex:
Them: So how long have you been single now?
Tag Partner: Did ya’ll know that Obama trying to get all black people free electricity for reparations?!!
This tag person can also be your biggest cheerleader.
Ex:
Them: So you don’t see marriage in your future?
Tag Partner Speaking From The Kitchen: Not sure about marriage, but my ninja just bought a house that’s dumb BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG!!!!!!!
Earplug love:
While the dinner table is getting prepped, use your earplugs to pretend as if you are having a loud conversation about everything that annoys you with an imaginary phone friend, therefore setting the vibe tempo.
Ex:
“Yeoooooooo, I HATE when nosey people be all in my business!!!”
“The next mofo that asks me about *insert name*, I’m gonna flip a whole table over!!!”
Ask about the recipe:
There is not a grandmother, auntie, or uncle alive that will let someone else take credit for their secret ingredient dish, too sweet dessert, or multiple liquor punch. A 15-minute historical lecture on the family peas is enough to distract everyone from waiting on the answer to why haven’t you got her a ring yet or when do you think he’ll propose type question(s).
The standard:
If all else fails, always remember to rely on the one dependable gem that is 100% effective to make any holiday dinner explode and draw all attention away from your personal life.
Ex:
You: Did ya’ll hear about what Trump said today?!!
Final Thought:
Not sure why the holidays make people feel as if they have the license to position your life on judgment display. In a perfect world, most would understand the problem with asking dating statuses, when will a couple produce an offspring, and all other evasive inquires. If common sense were common, then it should be universally understood that shared blood does not mean shared business.
